Baby Steps to the Bond

My husband found a book just for him when we learned we were expecting our first.  The New Father, by Armin A. Brott had lots of interesting information on a dad's perspective when it comes to the first year of baby's life.  One insight in particular was a huge eye-opener for me:

My Baby Doesn't Love Me
For about the first six to eight weeks of life, you're baby won't give you much feedback on how you're doing as a father: he won't smile, laugh, or react to you in any noticeable way.  In fact, just about all he will do is cry.  This can result in your feeling unloved and, surprisingly often, feeling a need to "get even" with the baby by deliberately withholding your own love.  


As the grown-up, it's your job to nip this destructive cycle in the bud...


I guess I've just taken for granted that newborns generally are more comforted by mother.  From a dad's perspective, it probably would look a lot like favoritism or even hatred for him.  I can't imagine how horrible that must feel!  Now I understand a bit better the aloofedness some dads can have toward their kids.  It just hurts too much to stare it in the face.

In the book, Brott goes on to say that babies at this stage are not capable of showing love.  May I take it a step further and say that they are incapable of feeling love?  Babies want to be comfortable.  Anything can upset that: hunger, wetness, temperature, etc.  Even smells make the list.  Baby has been with Mom for nine months more than Dad already, so it really isn't fair.  They want to hear Mom and smell Mom because that's comfortable, that's their "normal."  Dads have to start from ground zero.

However, it's still a lot like any other relationship.  Reach out to shake hands and awkwardly introduce yourself.  Admit it, even you are uncomfortable with a new person.  Like with anyone, adults, kids, and now this strange new crying thing, you have to take the first step to obviously show that you like/love them in order for them to be comfortable around you.  Once you get past the first few months of "getting to know you," I think you'll find that kids will latch on to anyone who is willing to talk to them or even get on the floor to play.

As a side note, I think this confusion can happen with moms, too.  In the same chapter, Brott points out, "If you havn't established an instant bond with your baby, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.  In fact, in a study by Kay Robson and Remesh Kumar, 25 to 40 percent of new parents--mothers and fathers--admitted that their first response to the baby was 'indifference.' "  When I first met my kids, I thought they were beautiful.  It was not until after endless horrible screaming nights and lengthy days of feeding and cuddling, that I could say I felt a strong bond.  These things take time and work and pressing on.  To that I say, perhaps there is a greater purpose to all that crying.