I ate some cheesecake, I really shouldn't have. I didn't fold the laundry, I really should have. I went shopping and bought some things for me, I shouldn't have spent that money. On and on it goes, guilt for things that aren't bad or evil. This is guilt of not measuring up to my own (or a relative's or friend's) superior standards. Yes, it is good to try to better myself, but with some things like cheesecake and laundry, where no matter how much I think I should or shouldn't, the guilt doesn't change my decision in the end.
I finally decided recently, I love cheesecake, I'm not gonna deny myself! I'm gonna eat it and be happy about it, guilt-free. The same with the laundry. When somebody comes over, I pick up the house, but if there are three baskets of laundry unfolded, they just get thrown behind a closed door. But this isn't really a matter of letting it all go. It's more like picking the things that are less important to worry about and deciding to stand firm in my decision to do or not do them. Food, for instance: it's easy for me to turn down chips and greasy things, but I'm not going to torture myself! If my favorite ice cream is in the freezer, you'd better believe I'll be looking for it as soon as the kids are in bed. And with my house, especially while my kids are extremely hands-on and I don't regularly have a whole hour at a time to devote to a project (organizing that storage room), some things are gonna get cut from my to-do list. I have to make my peace with that. I do not need to kick myself around the house feeling guilty because I've prioritized playing with my kids above mopping the floor once a week. And even though the house is not super clean, I will go out occasionally and I will buy myself things occasionally.
Self-made guilt does not need to run my outlook on life. I think I'm going to figure out what is important and focus on those things one at a time. Right now my top priorities are keeping the kitchen clean and playing with the kids one on one more often. Once I make those things regular and habitual, I will add a couple more to the list. Until then, I'm going to do my best to not feel guilty about the rest.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
PANCAKES!!
A woman a couple generations before me told me awhile back, "I've never made pancakes in my life." It was hard to hide my surprise. I was appalled! This is unbiblical, I thought. I wanted to quote scripture to her:
Can'tst thou not make pancakes for thine own family? How must thou make thy family happy?
Revelation 152:8 (because it does seem like the end times in this situation)
I looove pancakes and cannot imagine life without them, therefore I must share this gospel with all people, both Jews and Gentiles. I, after much tinkering, have developed the best pancakes ever. Here is my recipe:
1 and 1/4 cup flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 Tablespoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 egg
1 cup milk
Spray medium hot pan with pam spray or similar and flip pancakes when bubbly or light brown on bottom. They get pretty fluffy, so watch out for that. Sometimes I add 2 tablespoons mini chocolate chips for fun, or half of a mashed banana with a pinch of cinnamon. Diced apples (1/3 cup) with cinnamon are also good.
Can'tst thou not make pancakes for thine own family? How must thou make thy family happy?
Revelation 152:8 (because it does seem like the end times in this situation)
I looove pancakes and cannot imagine life without them, therefore I must share this gospel with all people, both Jews and Gentiles. I, after much tinkering, have developed the best pancakes ever. Here is my recipe:
1 and 1/4 cup flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 Tablespoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 egg
1 cup milk
Spray medium hot pan with pam spray or similar and flip pancakes when bubbly or light brown on bottom. They get pretty fluffy, so watch out for that. Sometimes I add 2 tablespoons mini chocolate chips for fun, or half of a mashed banana with a pinch of cinnamon. Diced apples (1/3 cup) with cinnamon are also good.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Dreams vs. What I Really Want
More than ten years ago in high school, I had a teacher ask the class to write a list of where they expected to be in ten years. Naturally, I wrote down married, have successful job, own a home, have at least two kids, two new cars, and a dog. Everything would be figured out, all decisions would have already been made, I would be settled.
All throughout grade school, people tell kids that they can do anything they want to if they just work hard enough and never give up. That may be true in some cases, but there's always the artist who really wants to see Mars, or the mild-tempered sweetheart who wants to be a lawyer. Sometimes these things just won't happen. One huge factor left out when people say to "reach for the stars" is personal values. Each person has a hierarchy of values that sometimes make other things more important than dreams.
For instance, I have wanted to start a business probably since sixth grade. In seventh grade I was drawing up plans and figuring costs to start a coffee shop, formal wear store, summer camp, etc. Then after college I had a short internship where my eyes were opened: I would have to be there at the business for at least 12 hours a day, I would have to do customer service, and I would be doing a job that most people get paid maybe $10 an hour for, only instead owe the bank several thousand dollars. My dad once said to me, "owning a business isn't for everyone, some people like to clock out at 5:00 and head home." At the time, I thought, those are silly people! But now that I've been out in the world for awhile, I realize that I place great value in being able to go home and have down time.
I think a better exercise to give kids direction would be to make a list of values. Now, in high school, those may not be figured out yet, but it sure doesn't hurt to do it now! Here is what I wrote down for my list of highest values:
1. Free time/Family time every day.
2. Ability to be a stay-at-home Mom while my kids are young.
3. Nearness to extended family.
4. Ability to put my creativity to use on a regular basis.
5. Feeling useful and fulfilled in my job and at home.
6. Ability to help someone somehow.
What do you value the most?
All throughout grade school, people tell kids that they can do anything they want to if they just work hard enough and never give up. That may be true in some cases, but there's always the artist who really wants to see Mars, or the mild-tempered sweetheart who wants to be a lawyer. Sometimes these things just won't happen. One huge factor left out when people say to "reach for the stars" is personal values. Each person has a hierarchy of values that sometimes make other things more important than dreams.
For instance, I have wanted to start a business probably since sixth grade. In seventh grade I was drawing up plans and figuring costs to start a coffee shop, formal wear store, summer camp, etc. Then after college I had a short internship where my eyes were opened: I would have to be there at the business for at least 12 hours a day, I would have to do customer service, and I would be doing a job that most people get paid maybe $10 an hour for, only instead owe the bank several thousand dollars. My dad once said to me, "owning a business isn't for everyone, some people like to clock out at 5:00 and head home." At the time, I thought, those are silly people! But now that I've been out in the world for awhile, I realize that I place great value in being able to go home and have down time.
I think a better exercise to give kids direction would be to make a list of values. Now, in high school, those may not be figured out yet, but it sure doesn't hurt to do it now! Here is what I wrote down for my list of highest values:
1. Free time/Family time every day.
2. Ability to be a stay-at-home Mom while my kids are young.
3. Nearness to extended family.
4. Ability to put my creativity to use on a regular basis.
5. Feeling useful and fulfilled in my job and at home.
6. Ability to help someone somehow.
What do you value the most?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
$80 Food Budget per MONTH
Last time I went grocery shopping and tried to not bug out my eyes when the cashier told me the grand total, I reminisced back to our first year of marriage when I budgeted $80 on food per month. Then I wondered, What in the world did we eat?! Now since I'm one of those crazies who remembers prices on things long-term, here is an example of some things we may have bought in one month:
$15 10 pounds pork ribs (sale item in a giant frozen box)
$20 10 pounds hamburger patties (again, frozen box)
$ 6 10 pounds chicken hindquarters (a bulk bag hiding under the pricey chicken)
$ 3 6 cans green beans
$ 4 4 one-pound bags frozen veggies
$ 3 10 pounds potatoes
$ 0.5 one dozen eggs
$ 1 gross white bread
$ 1 hamburger buns
$ 2.5 gallon of milk
$ 1 one pound rice
$ 3 3 pound bag of apples
$ 60 TOTAL is that right?
Then the remaining $20 would be used on things throughout the month like milk, eggs, oreos or ice cream. Keep in mind, there were only two of us, and this was six years ago before the economy went downhill. Also, you'll notice that the meat is mostly that which is still on the bone and not as healthy (chicken breast is less fatty than chicken hindquarters, etc.). But, Americans tend to eat twice as much meat as is really necessary, and when there is a bone in it and therefore there's work in eating it, we are less likely to eat as much.
Another trick I need to bring back into practice is this: figure my food budget before making my list. This way I won't make the list,then decide I must have everything and throw up my hands, saying "I guess we're going to spend $300 on food." Once the budget is set, then I make the list, buying things that will act as ingredients in several meals, such as rice for fried rice and turkey rice soup. After the list is finished, I add up how much it will cost, then start eliminating things that aren't necessary until it works into the budget. For example, real butter is $3, but margarine is $1, so I sadly forfeit the butter (I try not to make eye contact with it in the store). I also aim to save about 20% of my budget for milk and other impulse necessities bought throughout the month.
My husband and I have an addiction to eating out, and I've learned that keeping frozen pizza, lunch meat and burritos in stock can save us lots of money. This month I actually quit buying the instant food because we'd been eating it so much, and ended up eating out way more than normal. Feeling guilty about not cooking is not as bad as feeling guilty about not cooking and also loosing lots of money. It's fine to eat out, but it does need to be limited.
Of course $80 a month is not possible right now, especially with two extra munchers in the family, but I sure could be spending less than I am now.
$15 10 pounds pork ribs (sale item in a giant frozen box)
$20 10 pounds hamburger patties (again, frozen box)
$ 6 10 pounds chicken hindquarters (a bulk bag hiding under the pricey chicken)
$ 3 6 cans green beans
$ 4 4 one-pound bags frozen veggies
$ 3 10 pounds potatoes
$ 0.5 one dozen eggs
$ 1 gross white bread
$ 1 hamburger buns
$ 2.5 gallon of milk
$ 1 one pound rice
$ 3 3 pound bag of apples
$ 60 TOTAL is that right?
Then the remaining $20 would be used on things throughout the month like milk, eggs, oreos or ice cream. Keep in mind, there were only two of us, and this was six years ago before the economy went downhill. Also, you'll notice that the meat is mostly that which is still on the bone and not as healthy (chicken breast is less fatty than chicken hindquarters, etc.). But, Americans tend to eat twice as much meat as is really necessary, and when there is a bone in it and therefore there's work in eating it, we are less likely to eat as much.
Another trick I need to bring back into practice is this: figure my food budget before making my list. This way I won't make the list,then decide I must have everything and throw up my hands, saying "I guess we're going to spend $300 on food." Once the budget is set, then I make the list, buying things that will act as ingredients in several meals, such as rice for fried rice and turkey rice soup. After the list is finished, I add up how much it will cost, then start eliminating things that aren't necessary until it works into the budget. For example, real butter is $3, but margarine is $1, so I sadly forfeit the butter (I try not to make eye contact with it in the store). I also aim to save about 20% of my budget for milk and other impulse necessities bought throughout the month.
My husband and I have an addiction to eating out, and I've learned that keeping frozen pizza, lunch meat and burritos in stock can save us lots of money. This month I actually quit buying the instant food because we'd been eating it so much, and ended up eating out way more than normal. Feeling guilty about not cooking is not as bad as feeling guilty about not cooking and also loosing lots of money. It's fine to eat out, but it does need to be limited.
Of course $80 a month is not possible right now, especially with two extra munchers in the family, but I sure could be spending less than I am now.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Movie Review: Life as We Know It
For anyone who is considering having kids or has one in the oven, or even for anyone who is in the midst of child-rearing, this movie could be helpful and encouraging. It seems to capture the real emotion involved in having a kid for the for the first time. For some reason, I always feel good to know that other parents don't know everything before the child arrives!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
A Mind of My Own
My son is my sweetheart. He can be caught doing nice things for me like setting the table, finding his jacket, and putting his trucks away. He's three years old and he loves to help. Just a couple days ago, he and I woke up earlier than normal along with his little sister, who recently learned to walk. We have a rather lengthy bathroom routine in the morning and I am usually last, of course. So when I came out of the bathroom, I heard my boy shouting, "No, baby! You will fall! No! You will fall!" Panicked, I ran to the kitchen to find the baby sitting at the top of sixteen stairs with Big Brother pushing her the other way. The door by the stairs had been left open the night before and in my sleepy haze I hadn't thought to check it before letting the kids loose in the house. So I thanked him profusely and called him a hero. When his dad woke up he said, "Daddy, I'm a superhero!"
All that being said, you'll also note that he is three, which means that in the last six months has acquired a mind of his own. He has things he wants to do and is adapting to my methods of preventing him from doing them. He also has his own toys that his sister should never touch, some of these toys happen to be hers. It is a constant learning process for all of us, this "thinking on his own" thing. But I always tell him, "I love you so much, and I will always love you no matter what you do or what happens." It does not matter what horrible thing he could do or get into, I will still love him with the same intensity that I do now. Now, I will grieve for what he is doing, if it is hurting himself or others, but I will still love him and will always welcome him home and take him in when he needs it.. My greatest fear is that something terrible could happen to him (or his sister, of course), and when he is naughty, I am afraid he is heading down the path of bad decisions, which would eventually mean self-harm.
In the same way, we are all God's children. I don't mean all Evangelists or all Methodists, or even all Christians. He made all of us and wants the best for all of us, no matter how far we run in the other direction or blatantly disregard his rules that he set to keep us safe (don't jump on the couch, don't hit your sister, don't drink rubbing alcohol). But he did offer us the option of not accepting him. I really really don't want my son to say, "Mom, I'm moving to Australia because I hate you and I never want to see you again." It would absolutely just kill me if he did that, but I would have to let him. He is a person separate from me with a mind of his own. But you had better believe that the moment he returns to the States, shows up at my house and asks for a hug or just a handshake, I sure the heck would let him.
God loves us as his own children. He will always, always take us in, no matter what. Even if all we are ready for right now is a handshake, God will take us up on that.
Mark 2:13-17 (The Message Bible)
Later Jesus and his disciples were at home having supper with a collection of disreputable guests. Unlikely as it seems, more than a few of them had become his followers. The religion scholars and Pharisees saw him keeping this kind of company and lit into his disciples: "What kind of example is this, acting cozy with the riffraff?"
Jesus, overhearing, shot back, "Who needs a doctor: the healthy or the sick? I'm here inviting the sin-sick, not the spiritually-fit."
All that being said, you'll also note that he is three, which means that in the last six months has acquired a mind of his own. He has things he wants to do and is adapting to my methods of preventing him from doing them. He also has his own toys that his sister should never touch, some of these toys happen to be hers. It is a constant learning process for all of us, this "thinking on his own" thing. But I always tell him, "I love you so much, and I will always love you no matter what you do or what happens." It does not matter what horrible thing he could do or get into, I will still love him with the same intensity that I do now. Now, I will grieve for what he is doing, if it is hurting himself or others, but I will still love him and will always welcome him home and take him in when he needs it.. My greatest fear is that something terrible could happen to him (or his sister, of course), and when he is naughty, I am afraid he is heading down the path of bad decisions, which would eventually mean self-harm.
In the same way, we are all God's children. I don't mean all Evangelists or all Methodists, or even all Christians. He made all of us and wants the best for all of us, no matter how far we run in the other direction or blatantly disregard his rules that he set to keep us safe (don't jump on the couch, don't hit your sister, don't drink rubbing alcohol). But he did offer us the option of not accepting him. I really really don't want my son to say, "Mom, I'm moving to Australia because I hate you and I never want to see you again." It would absolutely just kill me if he did that, but I would have to let him. He is a person separate from me with a mind of his own. But you had better believe that the moment he returns to the States, shows up at my house and asks for a hug or just a handshake, I sure the heck would let him.
God loves us as his own children. He will always, always take us in, no matter what. Even if all we are ready for right now is a handshake, God will take us up on that.
Mark 2:13-17 (The Message Bible)
Later Jesus and his disciples were at home having supper with a collection of disreputable guests. Unlikely as it seems, more than a few of them had become his followers. The religion scholars and Pharisees saw him keeping this kind of company and lit into his disciples: "What kind of example is this, acting cozy with the riffraff?"
Jesus, overhearing, shot back, "Who needs a doctor: the healthy or the sick? I'm here inviting the sin-sick, not the spiritually-fit."
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Book Review: Better Homes and Gardens New Cook Book
For those of you who may find yourself suddenly out in the real world or perhaps newly married only to find that neither of you cook, I have a life saver for you! Better Homes and Gardens New Cook Book (each edition since the 50's has been dubbed new) will teach you how to fry eggs, mash potatoes, cook noodles and then when you're ready, Pork with Fennel and Pancetta. 
I like to see what I'm cooking before I go to all the effort, so I like all the pictures. Also helpful, it tells you how long it's going to take to prepare and cook the meal, and that there are 522 calories in one slice of pecan pie... or maybe you didn't want to know that. So, forget that last perk... This book includes easy recipes for crock pots and bread machines for those of us who would like to save some time. Each chapter has informational tutorials on kitchen appliances and ingredients and how they are used. And if you started making something and realize you don't have an ingredient, there is a list of "Emergency Substitutions" in the back. Another thing that is good for, the list tells you how much onion powder is equivalent to one whole onion and similar substitutions.
Family favorite recipes that I have laminated in the book (because this book is a binder, pages can be removed, so I took advantage) are Coffee Cake Muffins, Biscuits Supreme, Oven-Fried Parmesan Chicken, GarlicChicken Stir-Fry with Cashews, and Pecan Pie, of course.
By the way, those pictures aren't actually from the book they are just what I could find online that look similar to the recipes mentioned. Mmmm... I think I'm going to make Parmesan Chicken later! Salty!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Baby Steps to the Bond
My husband found a book just for him when we learned we were expecting our first. The New Father, by Armin A. Brott had lots of interesting information on a dad's perspective when it comes to the first year of baby's life. One insight in particular was a huge eye-opener for me:
My Baby Doesn't Love Me
For about the first six to eight weeks of life, you're baby won't give you much feedback on how you're doing as a father: he won't smile, laugh, or react to you in any noticeable way. In fact, just about all he will do is cry. This can result in your feeling unloved and, surprisingly often, feeling a need to "get even" with the baby by deliberately withholding your own love.
As the grown-up, it's your job to nip this destructive cycle in the bud...
I guess I've just taken for granted that newborns generally are more comforted by mother. From a dad's perspective, it probably would look a lot like favoritism or even hatred for him. I can't imagine how horrible that must feel! Now I understand a bit better the aloofedness some dads can have toward their kids. It just hurts too much to stare it in the face.
In the book, Brott goes on to say that babies at this stage are not capable of showing love. May I take it a step further and say that they are incapable of feeling love? Babies want to be comfortable. Anything can upset that: hunger, wetness, temperature, etc. Even smells make the list. Baby has been with Mom for nine months more than Dad already, so it really isn't fair. They want to hear Mom and smell Mom because that's comfortable, that's their "normal." Dads have to start from ground zero.
However, it's still a lot like any other relationship. Reach out to shake hands and awkwardly introduce yourself. Admit it, even you are uncomfortable with a new person. Like with anyone, adults, kids, and now this strange new crying thing, you have to take the first step to obviously show that you like/love them in order for them to be comfortable around you. Once you get past the first few months of "getting to know you," I think you'll find that kids will latch on to anyone who is willing to talk to them or even get on the floor to play.
As a side note, I think this confusion can happen with moms, too. In the same chapter, Brott points out, "If you havn't established an instant bond with your baby, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. In fact, in a study by Kay Robson and Remesh Kumar, 25 to 40 percent of new parents--mothers and fathers--admitted that their first response to the baby was 'indifference.' " When I first met my kids, I thought they were beautiful. It was not until after endless horrible screaming nights and lengthy days of feeding and cuddling, that I could say I felt a strong bond. These things take time and work and pressing on. To that I say, perhaps there is a greater purpose to all that crying.
My Baby Doesn't Love Me
For about the first six to eight weeks of life, you're baby won't give you much feedback on how you're doing as a father: he won't smile, laugh, or react to you in any noticeable way. In fact, just about all he will do is cry. This can result in your feeling unloved and, surprisingly often, feeling a need to "get even" with the baby by deliberately withholding your own love.
As the grown-up, it's your job to nip this destructive cycle in the bud...
I guess I've just taken for granted that newborns generally are more comforted by mother. From a dad's perspective, it probably would look a lot like favoritism or even hatred for him. I can't imagine how horrible that must feel! Now I understand a bit better the aloofedness some dads can have toward their kids. It just hurts too much to stare it in the face.
In the book, Brott goes on to say that babies at this stage are not capable of showing love. May I take it a step further and say that they are incapable of feeling love? Babies want to be comfortable. Anything can upset that: hunger, wetness, temperature, etc. Even smells make the list. Baby has been with Mom for nine months more than Dad already, so it really isn't fair. They want to hear Mom and smell Mom because that's comfortable, that's their "normal." Dads have to start from ground zero.
However, it's still a lot like any other relationship. Reach out to shake hands and awkwardly introduce yourself. Admit it, even you are uncomfortable with a new person. Like with anyone, adults, kids, and now this strange new crying thing, you have to take the first step to obviously show that you like/love them in order for them to be comfortable around you. Once you get past the first few months of "getting to know you," I think you'll find that kids will latch on to anyone who is willing to talk to them or even get on the floor to play.
As a side note, I think this confusion can happen with moms, too. In the same chapter, Brott points out, "If you havn't established an instant bond with your baby, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. In fact, in a study by Kay Robson and Remesh Kumar, 25 to 40 percent of new parents--mothers and fathers--admitted that their first response to the baby was 'indifference.' " When I first met my kids, I thought they were beautiful. It was not until after endless horrible screaming nights and lengthy days of feeding and cuddling, that I could say I felt a strong bond. These things take time and work and pressing on. To that I say, perhaps there is a greater purpose to all that crying.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I Know What I'm Doing
On a park outing a few weeks ago, I came upon a woman who seemed to have a bit of magic up her sleeve. She was thin, fashionable, smiling, and not constantly yelling orders to her five children. Not five like, first she had three, then 6 years later decided to have a couple more. She had in her double stroller a new sleeping infant, a not-so-terrible two, and on the playground playing nicely were a four-year-old, 5-year-old, and 7-year-old. This is my chance! I thought. I'm going to glean from this woman any advice she's willing to share.
I started up a conversation and eventually said, "My two-year-old has started talking back and saying things like 'Don't you talk to me like that, Mom.' " I laughed like this is some kind of great joke and she just smiled and noded. "Did you ever deal with that at all?" I pushed a little further.
"Yeah." Then she helped a child with a swing and came back. Conversation ended.
Nothing! It's almost as if she didn't want to step on my toes. But it's true, most moms take offense at any advice no matter how simple or complex.
It is so overwhelming when that first child is born, everyone else has their idea of how you should raise it. And everyone's idea is completely different, yet unwavering in confidence. Why is that? How can there be so many ways to correctly raise a child? Well obviously there aren't. My way is the correct way, the only way, and everybody else is off their rocker. Am I right? I think that every parent has to believe this, in order to make it through and maintain some semblance of sanity. If I don't believe that I know what I'm doing, then I will break down into tears for fear of failing my child.
We are forced to be strong and carry on. So, for the sake of parents everywhere, if you ever run into a new parent who is downing coffee and won't admit that their child doesn't sleep at night, just smile warmly and say "You're doing a good job. It does get easier."
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