Magic

Just a few days ago was the first showing of Elf (yes, the Christmas movie) at my house. I know it's a little early in October for that, but I love the magic feeling that Christmas brings. I had so much fun watching with the kids and the hubby, laughing and remembering what Christmas felt like when I was younger. I think most people reach an age or a time when they wonder, What ever happened to that "Christmas Spirit" feeling I had as a kid? 


We try to calculate a formula as to what exactly it was that brought it out. Put in the Bing Crosby record, find that one scented candle you remember, set out homemade nativities from grade school. One year after we had grown, my siblings and I actually broke into a fight about what garland to put on the tree and what music counts as Christmas music--my Beach Boys Christmas music did not make the list.

It's that magical feeling, where did it go? I smell hints of it when I am with my kids, when they smile at me because they know they just did something impressive, or when they sing a new song. When my husband sees that I need a break and takes me away from it all for just a little while, even though I feel like I really don't deserve it at the time, that feeling comes back. Like getting a present in the mail from an uncle, my family is a surprise that I wasn't expecting.

When God saw his people suffering a long time ago, he came down here himself, even though he was a god. He came to give us all something we longed for, love. Love that we don't feel like we really deserve. He even took the time to guide us while he was here. For three years he told us things to help us live healthier, happier lives, kind of like an uncle. God showed us what it means to be family, what love is supposed to look like.

Now when I look for that magic feeling, I look to my kids, to my husband, and to my God. Love is the reason for the season. And we can spread that feeling to others by showing love. But, of course, it doesn't hurt to turn on Elf and decorate the tree to help the kids get that magical feeling, too. : D

Cinderella Never had to Apologize

There have been a few youngins who have asked me about marriage, what it is like, and if I have any advice. "Oh! Yes!" I say, I love giving advice. (Sorry to those who did not want it!) I already have a mental lecture put together for just such the occasion. Here are four serious things that anyone married or getting married should probably consider. Unfortunately they do not all start with the same letter.

1. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? 
Your spouse/future spouse is human. We cannot expect perfection from them. Surprise! This seems obvious, but after watching Cinderella, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, etc., our brains are programmed to expect constant happiness, security, and star-stricken obsessive love for us, all coming from this magical person we found singing in the forest. But there is nothing about the human condition that allows for constant happiness, nothing about this dog-eat-dog world that allows for perfect security, and no matter how awesome I think I am, my spouse is going to have days, weeks, or you know, longer... where I'm not their favorite person. Which brings me to my next point:

2. Apologize Apologize APOLOGIZE!
Especially when I first got married, I would grit my teeth and force myself to at least mumble an apology, until I got better at it where I would actually say it audibly. It seemed like I was doing this twice a day or more at first, and I'm probably just getting lazy now, but I never fail to amaze myself at how horribly selfish I can be (family is not allowed to comment here). Sometimes the thing I am apologizing for seems unimportant to me, small, unnecessary to apologize for. But here's the kicker: he has a different opinion than me! Whoa. So, it's like a pebble in the shoe, even though it is small, if I don't get it out of there, it's going to keep rubbing. Then so will all those other pebbles, over years of wear, eventually destroying both the foot and the shoe. It is never too late to remove them. "Hey, sorry I always take the last of the ice cream, I know that bugs you, do you want it this time?" or even, "do you want to share it with me this time?"  If you can't go all the way, compromise.

3. "I do everything around here!"
Guess who else is thinking that? The idea is that each spouse is supposed to do 50%. But somebody told me once that if you don't feel like you're doing 90%, you probably aren't doing enough. Keep an eye on that other person and see what they are doing, it is probably different than what you do, because they probably think different things are important. Well, here we are again with the fact that they have a different opinion. Weird. The thing you've been stewing about for twelve years, they didn't even know they were doing because it wasn't important to them, so maybe instead of getting bitter, you should:

4. Tell them.
On television, there's always the girl who shouts, "If you don't know what you did wrong, then that's even worse!" still leaving the guy bewildered, and to his knowledge, innocent. Maybe your spouse grew up in a house where dishes were done immediately after the meal, and you were brought up in a house where you do them as the food is cooking, before the meal. (Disclaimer: If anyone I know has this issue, I'm not talking about you, I didn't know you had this issue) So when the dishes lay there until the next meal, your spouse gets aggravated, but you don't know what all the crankiness is about. But by the next meal, the bad mood has lifted, so you come to the conclusion that when they are cranky, feed them and they will perk up! Talk about confusing! If this were my problem, I would prefer my spouse approach me and say, "could we do the dishes right after we eat?" Note the word "we" there. When you ask someone to go out of their way and change, it's a good idea to pitch in, at least at first. I might actually agree to do that, even though I don't want to, since he was nice about it. If he mumbled loudly from the living room, "that kitchen stinks!" I would definitely go do something else in a room where he is not, and be mad at him for the rest of the night, hurt by his frank criticism. (which, by the way, is completely unlike my husband) Tell them the problem before you are mad or bitter about it, and think really hard about how you could say it without stabbing them in the heart. A side note: it takes a long time to build or break old habits, so don't expect obvious improvement right away, you may have to ask nicely again and again.

In summary, your spouse is fallible, your spouse is not you, and your spouse cannot read minds. Hmm. Something to think about.

Searching in the Dark

With the drapes pulled tight,
and the door securely locked,
frantically I search the house,
looking for my socks.

Was that all I needed?
Is this all I want?
There was something else,
wasn't there?
I guess I don't know what.

The lights are dim,
the music's low,
and now,
so is my heart.

What am I searching for?
I think I used to know.
Climbing sideways up the mountain
is the hardest part.

Quarter-Life Crisis

I almost went to bed, but thought this article was severely important for most people my age.  We bought a Relevant Magazine today with some encouragement for the people somewhat new to the real world.

What To Know at 25ish: 11 Proven Ways to Avoid a Quarter-Life Crisis

From the Moon

My baby girl is walking and trying to run all over now.  I call this second year, The Year of Perpetual Head Bruises.  It never fails, as soon as one dent heals, another takes its place, if not before.  She comes running to me after the pavement makes its mark and wants to be squeezed.  I try to squeeze out all the pain, but in reality, me hugging her will do nothing for the pain.  But alas, it does help her to feel better.  

Right now, in this dirty world full of selfishness and carelessness, people are getting hurt.  It is a time of perpetual pain.  Yes, there are good times, too, like as soon as I set my baby down she takes off running happily again.  And of course, life is easier or harder for different people in different situations.  But while we are here, bad and horrible things will happen.  During those times, we need to run to our comforter for a squeeze.

For you've been a safe place for me, a good place to hide.  Strong God, I'm watching you do it, I can always count on you God, my dependable love.  

Psalms 59:17

Lots of different religions and philosophies encourage meditating, clearing the mind, or even just taking a break from whatever is bothersome.  But nothing beats just sitting quietly next to a good friend.  For some reason, God has not whisked us away to heaven yet, where there are no tears, but until then, he is there to hold our hand (or toss a football, if you prefer) to help us make it through.  I often imagine myself sitting with God on the moon, looking down on the frail world we live in.  Escaping from time and space, as if it is only a memory.  I only need a few minutes with a Good Friend to take a break, get a hug, then say, ok, it's time to jump back in.

Self-Made Guilt

I ate some cheesecake, I really shouldn't have.  I didn't fold the laundry, I really should have.  I went shopping and bought some things for me, I shouldn't have spent that money.  On and on it goes, guilt for things that aren't bad or evil.  This is guilt of not measuring up to my own (or a relative's or friend's) superior standards.  Yes, it is good to try to better myself, but with some things like cheesecake and laundry, where no matter how much I think I should or shouldn't, the guilt doesn't change my decision in the end.

I finally decided recently, I love cheesecake, I'm not gonna deny myself!  I'm gonna eat it and be happy about it, guilt-free.  The same with the laundry.  When somebody comes over, I pick up the house, but if there are three baskets of laundry unfolded, they just get thrown behind a closed door.  But this isn't really a matter of letting it all go.  It's more like picking the things that are less important to worry about and deciding to stand firm in my decision to do or not do them.  Food, for instance: it's easy for me to turn down chips and greasy things, but I'm not going to torture myself!  If my favorite ice cream is in the freezer, you'd better believe I'll be looking for it as soon as the kids are in bed.  And with my house, especially while my kids are extremely hands-on and I don't regularly have a whole hour at a time to devote to a project (organizing that storage room), some things are gonna get cut from my to-do list.  I have to make my peace with that.  I do not need to kick myself around the house feeling guilty because I've prioritized playing with my kids above mopping the floor once a week.  And even though the house is not super clean, I will go out occasionally and I will buy myself things occasionally.

Self-made guilt does not need to run my outlook on life.  I think I'm going to figure out what is important and focus on those things one at a time.  Right now my top priorities are keeping the kitchen clean and playing with the kids one on one more often.  Once I make those things regular and habitual, I will add a couple more to the list.  Until then, I'm going to do my best to not feel guilty about the rest.

Dreams vs. What I Really Want

More than ten years ago in high school, I had a teacher ask the class to write a list of where they expected to be in ten years.  Naturally, I wrote down married, have successful job, own a home, have at least two kids, two new cars, and a dog.  Everything would be figured out, all decisions would have already been made, I would be settled.

All throughout grade school, people tell kids that they can do anything they want to if they just work hard enough and never give up.  That may be true in some cases, but there's always the artist who really wants to see Mars, or the mild-tempered sweetheart who wants to be a lawyer.  Sometimes these things just won't happen.  One huge factor left out when people say to "reach for the stars" is personal values.  Each person has a hierarchy of values that sometimes make other things more important than dreams.

For instance, I have wanted to start a business probably since sixth grade.  In seventh grade I was drawing up plans and figuring costs to start a coffee shop, formal wear store, summer camp, etc.  Then after college I had a short internship where my eyes were opened:  I would have to be there at the business for at least 12 hours a day, I would have to do customer service, and I would be doing a job that most people get paid maybe $10 an hour for, only instead owe the bank several thousand dollars.  My dad once said to me, "owning a business isn't for everyone, some people like to clock out at 5:00 and head home."  At the time, I thought, those are silly people!  But now that I've been out in the world for awhile, I realize that I place great value in being able to go home and have down time.

I think a better exercise to give kids direction would be to make a list of values.  Now, in high school, those may not be figured out yet, but it sure doesn't hurt to do it now!  Here is what I wrote down for my list of highest values:

1. Free time/Family time every day.
2. Ability to be a stay-at-home Mom while my kids are young.
3. Nearness to extended family.
4. Ability to put my creativity to use on a regular basis.
5. Feeling useful and fulfilled in my job and at home.
6. Ability to help someone somehow.

What do you value the most?

$80 Food Budget per MONTH

Last time I went grocery shopping and tried to not bug out my eyes when the cashier told me the grand total, I reminisced back to our first year of marriage when I budgeted $80 on food per month.  Then I wondered,  What in the world did we eat?!  Now since I'm one of those crazies who remembers prices on things long-term, here is an example of some things we may have bought in one month:

$15    10 pounds pork ribs (sale item in a giant frozen box)
$20    10 pounds hamburger patties (again, frozen box)
$  6    10 pounds chicken hindquarters  (a bulk bag hiding under the pricey chicken)
$  3    6 cans green beans
$  4    4 one-pound bags frozen veggies
$  3    10 pounds potatoes
$ 0.5  one dozen eggs
$ 1     gross white bread
$ 1     hamburger buns
$ 2.5  gallon of milk
$  1    one pound rice
$  3    3 pound bag of apples
$ 60   TOTAL is that right?

Then the remaining $20 would be used on things throughout the month like milk, eggs, oreos or ice cream.  Keep in mind, there were only two of us, and this was six years ago before the economy went downhill.  Also, you'll notice that the meat is mostly that which is still on the bone and not as healthy (chicken breast is less fatty than chicken hindquarters, etc.).  But, Americans tend to eat twice as much meat as is really necessary, and when there is a bone in it and therefore there's work in eating it, we are less likely to eat as much.

Another trick I need to bring back into practice is this:  figure my food budget before making my list.  This way I won't make the list,then decide I must have everything and throw up my hands, saying "I guess we're going to spend $300 on food."  Once the budget is set, then I make the list, buying things that will act as ingredients in several meals, such as rice for fried rice and turkey rice soup.  After the list is finished, I add up how much it will cost, then start eliminating things that aren't necessary until it works into the budget.  For example, real butter is $3, but margarine is $1, so I sadly forfeit the butter (I try not to make eye contact with it in the store).  I also aim to save about 20% of my budget for milk and other impulse necessities bought throughout the month.

My husband and I have an addiction to eating out, and I've learned that keeping frozen pizza, lunch meat and burritos in stock can save us lots of money.  This month I actually quit buying the instant food because we'd been eating it so much, and ended up eating out way more than normal.  Feeling guilty about not cooking is not as bad as feeling guilty about not cooking and also loosing lots of money.  It's fine to eat out, but it does need to be limited.

Of course $80 a month is not possible right now, especially with two extra munchers in the family, but I sure could be spending less than I am now.